from The Onion; Statshot (July 9, 2008 - Issue 44•28):•24% - Have the ability to gain without pain
•22% - Was constantly breaking Nautilus machines, crushing hand-weights into powder; once accidentally ran thru wall of handball court
•20% - Too deep into this fat thing
•14% - No longer a good place to network
•12% - Nothing to do there but exercise
•08% - Caught stealing towels
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